The Guide to Surviving Tampa Pro

Posted on Wednesday, March 18, 2015 by Chris

The Guide to Surviving Tampa Pro
By Leonard Trubia

Don’t leave your hotel room.

There’s plenty of quality programing on your flat screen. 500 channels of shows that will change your life. Plug in and drop out.
Your hotel subscribes to the HBO bundle.
The challenge….Challenging.
Welding your thumb to your iPhone will undoubtedly make this difficult. As you compulsively check your Instagram account and see your friends strike the first flint of night you will be tempted… Tempted.
Ybor City. Your friends are selfying. Taking pics with twenty of your best drinking buddies. Just lighting the underside of the candlestick.
Be realistic.
Just go.
You’re only pro until you’re not.
Just a few precautions before you enter the Thunderdome, Mel.

Plan for a night of debauchery.

You are a professional skater on the east coast.
Florida.
You are a celebrity.
You will be tempted…Tempted.
Love is blind. Drunk sex has double vision.
Take precautions…Precaution.
In the words of Hollywood’s most charming night owl “Ron Burgundy Room”, aka Chris Casey, “cover it don’t discover it”. You may not get a death sentence, but you may be given the gift that keeps on giving. Yes, pick up some condoms, and while you’re at it grab a bottle of water and some Ibuprofen.
Preparation…Prepared.

Set your alarm.

The hotel concierge may be gainfully employed but everyone makes mistakes. If you are skating the next day plug your phone in, set the alarm, and leave it in the hotel room. You can’t lose, break, or drunk dial if you don’t have a phone. Tomorrow you can repost and like any of the several hundred Insta posts of drunken bliss.
Knowledge is power. Information is fuel.
Leave it at the hotel.
Cellphone separation anxiety.
Take a shot.
Get over it.

Take a Magic Marker and Tattoo yourself.

Sharpie emergency contact info right on your stomach.
Just do it.
If things go south you can call collect from the drunk tank reading numbers and names from your gut.
If things happen to go north you may leave Tampa will a humorous brain tattoo that will last a lifetime. After laying atop your date for five hours, post sweaty strangelove sex you will deliver a Sharpie heat transfer to your date. Huh?
The pro ho that is convinced you’re Mick Jagger should now have a grey shade of your contact information in mirror reverse on her stomach. Either direction, your tattoo should include your hotel and room number, maybe even your team managers room number in the event you get arrested for absolutely nothing.
Read in reverse.