Emo Eye Syndrome

by Rob Meronek

About two months ago, my right eye started to tear up all the time. After constant wiping away at it, it got pretty annoying so I went to the doctor. It was the most horrifying experience ever. He came at me with a needle to the tear duct where I had to keep my eye open the whole time, seriously trying not to completely freak out, sit up, and get a needle poking through my head and out the back. Your tear duct drains into your throat and it looked like mine was clogged so he was sticking a needle in my tear duct to flush it out.

I went through that terrifying experience on two separate visits and the Emo Eye Syndrome still would not go away. So today I just got a cat scan the doctor ordered to see if it's some kind of tumor that can lead to eyelid cancer. Yep, there's such a thing as eyelid cancer. Maybe it's from looking at too much porn. I thought all you got from that was hairy palms. Oh well, I couldn't take photos of the needle going in the eye part because I could barely keep my legs still and had to hold my breath to keep from freaking out at a needle coming straight for my eye, but I did get some with my cell phone when the nurse left me by myself in the room with a damn q-tip jammed in my eye. Sooo sketchy. Today was my cat scan and now I'm waiting for results.

Clements always has some good advice and his in this situation is, “Think positive.” I just keep thinking, “It’s not a tooomah” like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop. I’m trying to think positive so I made a list of all the good things.

Top five righteous reasons to get eyelid cancer.

1. If I need glasses it will be half price.
2. It’s my right eye and I take photos with my left, so that’s cool.
3. I might start ripping like Sheldon Meleshinski.
4. Winking is a lot easier.
5. One less slanted eye. One more to go and I’m not oriental anymore.

Here are some photos from my Emo Eye adventures.