Zaturdays With Zitzer: Defending Your Shred

Defending Your Shred

A friend, who I’ll call “Joe” to protect his good name, manufactures skateboards for a living and told me about the time a few years back when some investor type guy told him he was going to start making plastic boards “like the kind from the ‘70s.” As the story goes, after hearing him out Joe declined the opportunity to get involved, but didn’t quite have the heart to tell him that a fortune would undoubtedly be lost on the venture. Well long story short, Penny boards sold by the shipload load and Joe realized he’d missed out on the opportunity of the millennium. Who would have guessed. Joe’s tale of outright dismissal, and subsequent loss, reminded me of the Albert Brooks movie Defending Your Life, which tells the story of Daniel Miller who dies and finds himself in a posthumous courtroom, trying to prove the worthiness of his life at the risk of being sent back to earth to live it all over again. There’s a pretty solid batch of Penny Board type stories to answer to. And I don’t want that to happen to you. The theme of this week’s Zaturdays is simple: My really good ideas for skateboarding that you won’t want to sleep on. If you’re an engineer, a do it yourselfer, or just have some extra funds and want to help turn these brilliant ideas into reality, send me an email and let’s do some business. Idea #1: WebTech Decks You know how they say that ounce per ounce a spider’s web is stronger than steel? Well, on our eternal quest for a light skateboard deck that doesn’t flex out or break, why don’t we use spider webs to make boards? We’ve already tried maple, bamboo, plastic, and I’ve actually seen a metal board or two in my time, but none of them are perfect. This idea is going to require a lot of money and probably the help of a scientist that specializes in spiders to bring to fruition, but hey, we’ll even be able to do away with grip tape if the webs retain their stick. Sorry T-Puds. Currently, this is as close as we’ve come to making a board based on spider web technology. Idea #2: Skatepark in a Bag Apply the principles of this “building in a bag” to the world of skatepark construction. What better way to put a cement skate paradise in a hard to reach location where they don’t sell trowels? There are just three simple steps: deliver, inflate, add water. That’s it, you’re done. Expect a kink or two but hey, nothing this easy is ever going to be perfect. Picture a quarterpipe where this building is. Idea #3: Groovies Trucks Sure to be the most controversial, this is also the easiest and most practical of my ideas. You start with a Gullwing truck, famous back in the day for their groove technology, which allowed for the effortless grinding while staying “locked in.” But why stop there? What I’m suggesting here is a truck that’s actually ALL grooves? That way no matter how you get on that rail you’ll have enough confidence in your grind to flip out the way of your choosing. That’s an idea that’s all money. Add six or seven more grooves and we’re talking. Idea #4: Kick Fl-App You’ve heard that there’s an app for that, well there is. How about one that syncs your phone with sensors on your board and shoes? Try all the tricks you can’t do, like switch tres, hardflips, double dolphins and so on, and the app will tell you what you’re doing wrong. “You have to push with your arm,” etc. I can see the Birdman backing this one. You with me Tony? Give me a holler. - Paul Zitzer