FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Posted on Tuesday, April 1, 2008 by Ryan
UPDATE: Duh, April Fools.
Tampa, Florida – April 1, 2008 – With A Surprising Move That Happened just this morning at 7am EST, Brian Schaefer, founder and owner, and Ryan Clements, general manager, signed over all rights of operation of the legendary Skatepark of Tampa to a large corporation. Rumors of “all they care about is the money” have finally been proven true in the fickle skateboarding Indu$try.
The surprise sell-out happened on what is the eve of the 1st Annual IASC Indu$try Summit, a meeting of the evil corporate businessmen that control the state of skateboarding. Clements is a speaker at the Summit whose presentation is highly anticipated by all those who also wish to control skateboarding.
Other sell-outs like Tony Hawk and Jamie Thomas rejoiced with the news. “I thought that I was the last real skateboarder that was going to sell out,” claimed Thomas. “Time for a big-ass, expensive steak dinner for those dudes,” he added.
Hawk chimed in and said, “It’s about time I have some other rich skateboarders to chill with.” “Clements has been to my place and skated my private skate park that overlooks the Pacific – hopefully that helped sway his decision to cash in.”
Skatepark of Tampa stock will be available for purchase on the New York Stock Exchange (ticker SPoT) as of opening Friday morning. It’s expected to “come out swingin’” with a price of $73 per share. Schaefer has been getting hit up from everyone that he has ever met to get in on the “bro discount.”
Additionally, the new corporate owners of Skatepark of Tampa have demanded price increases for higher profit margins to be effective immediately, but were unavailable for comment. However, their website (skateparkoftampa.com) has the new price-list posted:
Monday – Friday Sessions: 10am – 12pm/12pm – 2pm/2pm – 4pm/4pm – 6pm/6pm – 8pm/8pm – 10pm
Saturday – Sunday Sessions: 8am – 10am/10am – 12pm/12pm – 2pm/2pm – 4pm/4pm – 6pm/6pm – 8pm/8pm – 10pm/10pm – 12am
Cost per Session: $12 ($11 for members)
More New Rules: No photos or video will be permitted at Skatepark unless previously authorized with the corporate businessmen. Also, all food and beverages MUST be purchased at the Snack Bar, soon to be serving alcohol for those of age.
Upon hearing the report after getting up at sunrise and working out, Adam Dyet called Clements and asked, “Dude, how can I sell out, too?”
If you would like more information on this topic or would like to schedule an interview with Brian Schaefer or Ryan Clements, please call (813) 621-6793 or email firstname.lastname@example.org.
UPDATE: Duh, April Fools.